i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
