I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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