he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
BRING THE BAGELS
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
