So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
