hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
