I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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