I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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