The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just gift wrapped bread.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
