I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
