i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
