I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
