can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm passing your future prison.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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