I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
