Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
