i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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