He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
