So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
