I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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