Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating