does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.