Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world