Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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