My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
