if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
