the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
