probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i believe in u and ur pee
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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