Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
love makes seman taste better
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
