I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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