My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
