Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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