Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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