Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
