I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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