In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
