Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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