dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
