I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
