what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
