sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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