apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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