i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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