Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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