Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
