my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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