WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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