You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
