i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A+ Viking dick
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