you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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