sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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