The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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