if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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