WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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