I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
