I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
